INTRODUCTION
Do you identify with any items in the following job description? Always appear happy. Able to be perpetually empathetic. Can handle being in the public eye 24-7. Excellent at making everyone happy when settling conflicts. Always patient. Ready to apologize, even if it is not your fault. Able to bite your tongue, even when the other person is wrong. Have perfect temperament to satisfy all. Willing to pay, and keep paying your dues? Willing to win the people’s approval, again, and again, and again. A team player. Not easily offended. Diplomatic when someone speaks poorly of your spouse or kids. Can handle not being liked…by many. Works hard at not complaining and adept at spinning everything toward a positive conclusion. Willing to volunteer for long, hard hours. Embraces lots of heavy/emotional lifting. No start or end time--the job is 24/7.
If you believe the job description requirements above are those of a pastor’s wife, you would be wrong. They actually pertain to a politician’s wife, but the similarities between the spousal roles of a politician and pastor are uncanny. Even more, the pastor’s wife carries the burden of their constituents’ eternal souls, something in which a politician’s wife has no stake. Do not discount the uniqueness and danger related to being a pastor’s wife.
Danger associated with your husband’s calling
Dual income is usually necessary for most Pastoral couples, which leads the wife into a career independent of her husband. However, most pastors’ wives would agree she is equally invested in her husband’s ministry. Her investment is not just sweat equity, but also involves emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. Professional ministers typically have a dramatic moment in time where they have heard the call of God to enter professional ministry. An equivalent dramatic call to ministry is not typical for most pastors’ wives.
If the pastor’s wife feels called to ministry, it is likely associated with her husband’s call. I know few pastor’s wives who would make an appointment with the Administrative Bishop to secure a church pastorate in the event of her husband’s death. It is highly doubtful the wife would create a profile on COG-Harmony.com in order to find another pastor to marry so she can fulfill God’s call on her life. The bottom line is that most pastors’ wives have not experienced the same unambiguous dramatic personal calling to professional ministry her husband has. This makes her more vulnerable to the intrinsic stressors of the above job description.
the uniqueness of ministry for the pastor’s wife
Uniqueness number one: A pastor’s wife plays a significant role in her husband’s job performance. If a pastor’s wife does not perform well in worship, fellowship, discipleship, socializing or ministry in general, her husband’s performance will be questioned. Try to think of a job where this is the case, other than a politician. What electrician, accountant, programmer, or policeman’s wife can influence his performance review? To know you have to worship where your husband works and that your performance in the church environment can make or break your husband’s career often places unbearable stress on ministry marriages.
Uniqueness number two: The pastor’s wife is generally expected to fill the gaps in ministry. Imagine the incredulity of an accountant’s wife if his boss called and said, “The office manager didn’t show up today, so as the accountant’s wife you will need to come in to fill the spot.” I know it sounds insane, but this is a common occurrence Sunday after Sunday. Although it’s unspoken, the pastor’s wife is expected to teach children’s ministry when a volunteer doesn’t show; she greets, ushers, sings, or makes coffee for the same reason. There is a pervasive, unspoken expectation throughout churches where the pastor and his wife are hired as a package deal, in effect, two for the price of one. Only a politician’s wife can relate…perhaps.
Uniqueness number three: The pastor’s wife is interviewed along with her husband for advancement in ministry. In what other career can you imagine this happening? If a mechanic wants to get an advanced certification to move to the next level, is his wife interviewed? When my husband was being interviewed for the next level of ministry rank, I was required to appear before the credentialing committee. After a bit of small talk, a regional council member asked me if I was prepared to meet the sexual needs of my husband. He assured me if I were not, there would be plenty of women who would step forward to compromise my husband and the ministry. I tried not to look embarrassed, and said very straightforward, “Well, I guess I’d better step it up a notch.” To which my husband chimed in a hearty “Amen!” What other career scrutinizes a spouse to this degree?
Don’t just read this, react
If any of this article resonates with you, you’re not crazy or alone; instead, you’re simply an ordinary Christian in a dangerous and unique role. Because of this, it is critical you learn how to thrive and not just survive in ministry.