Introduction
In your pastorate, have you ever experienced the shock and trauma of being blindsided by parishioners who were covertly undermining the very ministry they were overtly supporting? In other words, have you ever been mugged while being stabbed in the back by the very person or people you’ve dedicated your life to serving and shepherding? After discovering this betrayal and other similar events, did the cumulative traumatic experience(s) induce fear and helplessness? Did you begin to isolate yourself emotionally and avoid relational connections with church folks? Did you become emotionally numb and/or a persistently hyper-vigilant to prevent recurrent negative feelings? Has your sleep, concentration, eating, or mood been affected? Finally, upon hearing about this traumatic experience, did your spouse develop similar vicarious symptoms immediately or eventually?
There’s a diagnosis for that
I’ve heard many pastors tell of ambushes and attacks from the very people they’ve sacrificed for and dedicated their lives to serve and bless--like Pastor Dan, who trusted a deeply spiritual and supportive church Elder. After several years of promoting and opening himself to him, Pastor Dan discovered the Elder was sowing dissension secretly and building support for launching his own church. How about Pastor Chris and his wife, who were befriended by a church couple in leadership. Over time, Chris and his wife believed this couple was more than parishioners; rather, they were true friends whose relationship transcended the usual pastor/parishioner type. In one single moment during a church leadership meeting however, the couple turned on Chris, exposing privately confessed struggles and raising suspicions of fiscal maleficence. In the ensuing months, the couple successfully split the church and took over half the congregation to their new worship place.
If this describes some traumatic encounters you’ve experienced throughout your pastoral career, then the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental health disorders indicates you satisfy the clinical diagnosis criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)[1]. Surprised? I’m not. During thirty-one-years of ministry, I’ve experienced dozens of these traumatic encounters, and listened to many pastoral colleagues describe similar traumas and the resulting symptoms. In a recent pastors’ small group setting, I witnessed the accumulation of personal and collegial ministry trauma reach a critical mass. While the connection may seem extreme, it dawned on me then as a psychotherapist and pastor that ministry, like guerilla warfare in actual war, can result in something similar to clinical PTSD, i.e., Post Traumatic Stress Pastoring (PTSP).[2] As in guerilla warfare, you can’t protect yourself if you can’t discern the enemy. The invisible but increasing stress and personal toll resulting from ministry often lead eventually to deep discouragement, loss of vocational satisfaction, and moral failure.
These all-too-familiar traumatic experiences, and many more like them, result in the build-up of toxic stress over time and end up debilitating ministers with symptoms similar to those of clinical PTSD. Many pastors suffering with PTSP report losing sleep by re-living the traumatic encounters in dreams, or waking up panicked in the middle of the night with a very real sense that it will happen again. In fact, many pastors feel they could suffer a ministry mugging on any given Sunday, which could threaten their career and fiscal security. “Walking on eggshells,” and “hyper-vigilant” is how many pastors commonly characterize their ministry. I am not suggesting that churches are filled with psychopathic Christians bent on destroying the pastor’s health and well being. I am suggesting however that churches are full of what Marshall Shelley calls “well intentioned dragons,”… who consistently wreak a unique genre of ministerial trauma.[3]”
Additional dimensions unique to pastors
Compounding this unique ministry trauma is the reality that pastors are frequently first responders after emotionally jolting events like deaths, emergency room visits, phone calls from hysterical spouses after discovering an affair, stillbirths, miscarriages, house fires, arrests, domestic abuse, and many more. Every frantic phone call is personal to the pastor. No wonder pastors eventually exhibit symptoms of clinical PTSD when the phone rings at unusual times, or when they see a teary-eyed parishioner approaching quickly from across the sanctuary (a curious term). These are what mental health clinicians call internal and external cues for PTSD responses. Could the unusual call or the fast-approaching parishioner mean another death, injury, or tragedy in one of the pastor’s beloved flock, which he shepherds?
For the pastor, there is no psychological or emotional distance from those whom they respond to; it’s always personal unlike the community first responders. What police officer, after being called to the scene of a suicide expects to find a person they deeply care about? And then have to comfort the family who they also care about? And then help the family plan for the funeral? And then officiate the funeral? And then follow up for months later with prayer and counsel? No first responder experiences the depth of personal loss and responsibility that a pastor does.
A career-long accumulation of what some psychologists term secondary or vicarious stress depletes a pastor’s resilience and makes him more susceptible to PTSD-like symptoms.[4] Moreover, pastors have little or no training in mitigating the effects of secondary stress as counselors, police, and firefighters do, which exacerbates the problem. I’ve never talked to a pastor who said they took a seminary course in self-care related to first-responder trauma, let alone the trauma experienced at the hands of parishioners. In contrast, I’m told that first responders like police or fire fighters naturally gain some psychological and emotional distance from the fact that those whom they respond to are personally unrelated to them. Again, for the pastor it’s all personal.
Finally, perhaps the straw with the greatest potential to break the proverbial pastor’s back is that of a lack of margin. In the pulpit, on a plane or playground the pastor is always the pastor. Furthermore, a pastor’s financial, work, social, sports, spiritual and family life all revolve around the church. Most people don’t get all their friends or softball teammates from their workplace, or live with the stress that where and how they worship may affect their income and family security, which is unconsciously unbearable for the pastor and his family[5]. Every pastor is “on” 24/7, no matter what. Only pastors and politicians bear this burden. Yet the politician does not carry the eternal burden the pastor does regarding their work. This lack of life-zone margin creates another opportunity for the symptoms of PTSP to compound in the pastor’s mind and heart, leading to compassion fatigue, burnout, or worse. In 2017, the Clergy Burnout Inventory found that 65% of clergy surveyed were bordering on burnout or in full burnout mode. Common responses from the survey were, “I feel used up and spent,” “Me and my family feel fatigued and discouraged in ministry.”[6]
Admission and interventions
If you’re a pastor, I ask rhetorically: Are you suffering from some form of PTSP? It’s hard to confess, I know. To admit to PTSP is to experience all the shame and guilt that admitting to any struggle does to a pastor. As all 12-step programs declare however, the first step toward healing and health starts with admitting you have a problem. If you’re ready to admit you likely suffer from some degree of PTSP, then the following strategies should encourage you.
Treatment and lifestyle changes
First, see your general physician and have a full exam with a blood panel workup. This will identify latent physiological issues that may be negatively affecting your physical health and mental/emotional well being. Keep in mind that we were created originally as one harmonious, human, in which the physical and spiritual were holistically integrated perfectly (Gen. 2:7). Your body and soul are intimately related through Divine design, so you cannot ignore your body.
Second, secure a Sabbath, or a time of rest and re-creation. Plan a 24-hour period each week from sundown to sundown, during which you do nothing that doesn’t involve rest or re-creation in your body and soul. For example, my Sabbath is from sundown Thursday evening until sundown Friday evening. It is filled by easy time with my spouse, rest, resisting the intrusion of technology, non-ministry projects, and fun.
Third, establish renewal zones in your life rhythm like a daily distraction (exercise, internet game, family interaction), weekly diversion (movie, sports, social engagement with safe folks), quarterly disconnect (long weekend, camping, visit relative), and annual abandonment (retreat, vacation). These rhythmic renewal zones are life and ministry-saving.
Finally, make an annual Soul Heath Plan. We have plans for ministry programing, finances, physical health, vacations and education, but I rarely meet pastors, who plan for their soul health seriously. This Soul Health Plan should include an over-arching annual goal for your soul born out of prayer and reflection. It will include various classic spiritual disciplines, such as fasting, meditation, secrecy, silence, and solitude. Also, the Soul Health Plan will have what the ancient Christians called Rules for Life that are more dynamic and personalized between you and the Holy Spirit. A sample and worksheet are provided on this site.
A final encouragement
PTSP is no joke. Pastoring is unique and exceptionally stressful. If you’ve identified with anything in this article, you may be suffering from some degree of traumatic ministry-related stress. Don’t minimize the impact. Take action. Investigate fully the resources on this site.
[1] Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders 4TR. 2000. Washington D.C.: American Psychiatric Association.
[2] Alloy, Lauren B., Acocella, Joan. Bootzin, Richard R. 1996. Abnormal Psychology: Current Perspectives. New York, New Alloy, Lauren B., Acocella, Joan. Bootzin, Richard R. 1996. Abnormal Psychology: Current Perspectives. New York, New York: McGraw-Hill.
[3] Shelley, Marshall. 1985. Well-Intentioned Dragons: Ministering to Problem People in the Church. Waco: Word Publishers.
[4] Benuto, Lorraine T., Newland, Rory, etal. June 2018. Secondary traumatic stress among victim advocates: Prevalence and correlates. Journal of Evidence-Informed Social Work. United Kingdom: Taylor and Francis Publishers.
[5] Visker, Joseph D, Rider, Taylor, Humphers-Ginther. 2017. Ministry-related burnout and stress coping mechanisms among Assemblies of God Ordained Clergy in Minnesota. Journal of Religion and Health. Vol. 56: 951-961. New York: Springer Science+Business Media.
[6] Ibid.
The Danger and Uniqueness of the Minister’s Wife’s Role
INTRODUCTION
Do you identify with any items in the following job description? Always appear happy. Able to be perpetually empathetic. Can handle being in the public eye 24-7. Excellent at making everyone happy when settling conflicts. Always patient. Ready to apologize, even if it is not your fault. Able to bite your tongue, even when the other person is wrong. Have perfect temperament to satisfy all. Willing to pay, and keep paying your dues? Willing to win the people’s approval, again, and again, and again. A team player. Not easily offended. Diplomatic when someone speaks poorly of your spouse or kids. Can handle not being liked…by many. Works hard at not complaining and adept at spinning everything toward a positive conclusion. Willing to volunteer for long, hard hours. Embraces lots of heavy/emotional lifting. No start or end time--the job is 24/7.
If you believe the job description requirements above are those of a pastor’s wife, you would be wrong. They actually pertain to a politician’s wife, but the similarities between the spousal roles of a politician and pastor are uncanny. Even more, the pastor’s wife carries the burden of their constituents’ eternal souls, something in which a politician’s wife has no stake. Do not discount the uniqueness and danger related to being a pastor’s wife.
Danger associated with your husband’s calling
Dual income is usually necessary for most Pastoral couples, which leads the wife into a career independent of her husband. However, most pastors’ wives would agree she is equally invested in her husband’s ministry. Her investment is not just sweat equity, but also involves emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. Professional ministers typically have a dramatic moment in time where they have heard the call of God to enter professional ministry. An equivalent dramatic call to ministry is not typical for most pastors’ wives.
If the pastor’s wife feels called to ministry, it is likely associated with her husband’s call. I know few pastor’s wives who would make an appointment with the Administrative Bishop to secure a church pastorate in the event of her husband’s death. It is highly doubtful the wife would create a profile on COG-Harmony.com in order to find another pastor to marry so she can fulfill God’s call on her life. The bottom line is that most pastors’ wives have not experienced the same unambiguous dramatic personal calling to professional ministry her husband has. This makes her more vulnerable to the intrinsic stressors of the above job description.
the uniqueness of ministry for the pastor’s wife
Uniqueness number one: A pastor’s wife plays a significant role in her husband’s job performance. If a pastor’s wife does not perform well in worship, fellowship, discipleship, socializing or ministry in general, her husband’s performance will be questioned. Try to think of a job where this is the case, other than a politician. What electrician, accountant, programmer, or policeman’s wife can influence his performance review? To know you have to worship where your husband works and that your performance in the church environment can make or break your husband’s career often places unbearable stress on ministry marriages.
Uniqueness number two: The pastor’s wife is generally expected to fill the gaps in ministry. Imagine the incredulity of an accountant’s wife if his boss called and said, “The office manager didn’t show up today, so as the accountant’s wife you will need to come in to fill the spot.” I know it sounds insane, but this is a common occurrence Sunday after Sunday. Although it’s unspoken, the pastor’s wife is expected to teach children’s ministry when a volunteer doesn’t show; she greets, ushers, sings, or makes coffee for the same reason. There is a pervasive, unspoken expectation throughout churches where the pastor and his wife are hired as a package deal, in effect, two for the price of one. Only a politician’s wife can relate…perhaps.
Uniqueness number three: The pastor’s wife is interviewed along with her husband for advancement in ministry. In what other career can you imagine this happening? If a mechanic wants to get an advanced certification to move to the next level, is his wife interviewed? When my husband was being interviewed for the next level of ministry rank, I was required to appear before the credentialing committee. After a bit of small talk, a regional council member asked me if I was prepared to meet the sexual needs of my husband. He assured me if I were not, there would be plenty of women who would step forward to compromise my husband and the ministry. I tried not to look embarrassed, and said very straightforward, “Well, I guess I’d better step it up a notch.” To which my husband chimed in a hearty “Amen!” What other career scrutinizes a spouse to this degree?
Don’t just read this, react
If any of this article resonates with you, you’re not crazy or alone; instead, you’re simply an ordinary Christian in a dangerous and unique role. Because of this, it is critical you learn how to thrive and not just survive in ministry.